The Lows

Sigh.  I was feeling pretty good last week in terms of eating and body image.  This should be a great thing - but the problem is that feeling too good gets me into trouble.  When I feel good - meaning I've been exercising regularly and eating pretty healthy - I tend to become very relaxed about my eating.   Go ahead, have another snack, you're feeling great!  Have a cookie or two, you deserve it!  Anyone up for going out for dessert?  That'll be fun!

It's almost like I'm pushing myself back into the land of regrets.

Confession - I have no idea what my body looks like.  I really don't.  I think my mind is so distorted that I have trouble seeing myself.  I look in the mirror one day and think that I'm looking pretty decent.  And the next day I feel like crap and look in the mirror and I'm disgusted.

I try and get an outside gauge on what I look like by asking my husband who he thinks has a similar body to me or pointing out someone walking by and asking if they look like me.  He refuses to play this game with me, which is totally smart and I can't blame him, but it doesn't help my situation.

I try to use the scale as a measure, but I don't find it to be too helpful.  My weight is fairly consistent.  I might fluctuate a few pounds here or there, but I'm usually in the same ball park. However, I definitely feel bloated and bigger, even if the scale doesn't change.

I don't think I'm skinny or fat - I'm somewhere in between.  I think that bigger girls think I'm skinny and skinny girls think I'm bigger.  I'm stuck in some grey zone.  This messes with my head.  Now, I know that my body isn't gaining and losing weight in massive amounts on a daily basis and that it's all in my head, but it honestly feels like that sometimes.  

So right now, I'm feel awful.  I look in the mirror and see rolls of fat.  My clothing feels tight and uncomfortable.  My stomach is bloated, my hips and thighs have bulges.  I just feel thick.  The scale says I weigh the same, but I know that something is different.   

So what's the deal?  Was I always this fat and just convinced myself that I wasn't?

Because of my eating issues, it is sometimes easier to try to keep positive and try to convince myself that I'm looking and feeling good.   But when I get into a place where I feel like complete crap, I wonder how delusional I was to think that I was actually thin.  How embarrassing.

So what do I do when I feel this way?  Do I have a lighter dinner or try not to snack so much during the day?  Nope - I just keep on eating and ignore the problem or wallow in my sadness.  

It would really be nice to have some sort of grasp on my body image and awareness of hunger.