Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Lows

Sigh.  I was feeling pretty good last week in terms of eating and body image.  This should be a great thing - but the problem is that feeling too good gets me into trouble.  When I feel good - meaning I've been exercising regularly and eating pretty healthy - I tend to become very relaxed about my eating.   Go ahead, have another snack, you're feeling great!  Have a cookie or two, you deserve it!  Anyone up for going out for dessert?  That'll be fun!

It's almost like I'm pushing myself back into the land of regrets.

Confession - I have no idea what my body looks like.  I really don't.  I think my mind is so distorted that I have trouble seeing myself.  I look in the mirror one day and think that I'm looking pretty decent.  And the next day I feel like crap and look in the mirror and I'm disgusted.

I try and get an outside gauge on what I look like by asking my husband who he thinks has a similar body to me or pointing out someone walking by and asking if they look like me.  He refuses to play this game with me, which is totally smart and I can't blame him, but it doesn't help my situation.

I try to use the scale as a measure, but I don't find it to be too helpful.  My weight is fairly consistent.  I might fluctuate a few pounds here or there, but I'm usually in the same ball park. However, I definitely feel bloated and bigger, even if the scale doesn't change.

I don't think I'm skinny or fat - I'm somewhere in between.  I think that bigger girls think I'm skinny and skinny girls think I'm bigger.  I'm stuck in some grey zone.  This messes with my head.  Now, I know that my body isn't gaining and losing weight in massive amounts on a daily basis and that it's all in my head, but it honestly feels like that sometimes.  

So right now, I'm feel awful.  I look in the mirror and see rolls of fat.  My clothing feels tight and uncomfortable.  My stomach is bloated, my hips and thighs have bulges.  I just feel thick.  The scale says I weigh the same, but I know that something is different.   

So what's the deal?  Was I always this fat and just convinced myself that I wasn't?

Because of my eating issues, it is sometimes easier to try to keep positive and try to convince myself that I'm looking and feeling good.   But when I get into a place where I feel like complete crap, I wonder how delusional I was to think that I was actually thin.  How embarrassing.

So what do I do when I feel this way?  Do I have a lighter dinner or try not to snack so much during the day?  Nope - I just keep on eating and ignore the problem or wallow in my sadness.  

It would really be nice to have some sort of grasp on my body image and awareness of hunger.


  1. Hi there..I came to your blog Via the LFCA..I feel your pain as far as eating and body image go..I have a looooong history of anorexia and horrible body image its an everyday struggle still..I have no advice, but I get it! Thanks for sharing in your blog, I will for sure be reading!

  2. My first reader! Welcome! It's really nice to know that someone is out there reading and understands. Thanks for your support.

  3. Hi! Thanks for commenting on my blog. Its great to know we are not the only ones struggling with these issues. I have PCOS and have struggled with body image issues since puberty.

    Keep writing and know that we are here for you, even if its a virtual "here for you."

  4. I know how hard it is...I've been going through it myself for years now. How is your exercise routine? What is your current BMI? I feel like I have so much info to share with you, from all the reading I've done over the past 2.5 years of TTC! Again, I really recommend checking out the HA forum. The link is on my blog if you're interested. It really helped me A LOT and I connected with other girls in my exact same position...

  5. Amanda, what is the link to your blog? I'd love to check it out. I am pretty active - I usually work out at least 3 times a week doing weight lifting, kick boxing, spinning, or running. I'm pretty average height and weight. My BMI is 21.5. I would definitely love any advice that you have to share.

    Thanks for reading!

  6. Your BMI is within the healthy range, so that's great. The ideal BMI for HAers tends to be around 23, so it couldn't hurt to gain a few pounds (easier said than done, I completely understand) As for exercise, docs tend to recommend a max of 2 hours/week of cardio. Weights don't seem to be a huge problem. There is more info about this on Nico's blog, but basically what they say is that exercise releases endorphins which tend to supress estrogen, which we already have precious little it's best to limit cardio to 20-25 min sessions to prevent that 'runners high'.