Seeming Normal

Ok, here we go.  I decided to start this blog as a form of therapy for myself to get all of these thoughts and feelings out there.  The name of the blog seemed pretty appropriate - I feel like I go about my days pretending that everything is fine and "seeming normal".  And I must admit, I'm really good at that.  I feel pretty certain that I present myself as completely having my shit together.  I am a motivated professional with a promising career.  I keep a healthy diet and exercise regularly.  I'm pretty funny.  I'm married with a kick-ass dog.  From the outside looking in, I'm doing pretty great! 

But the truth is, I've been battling with bulemia since middle school and while I've been in therapy many times over the years, things are still a major struggle still today.  It sometimes feels like I will never get this under control.  My husband travels a lot for work and when I'm left alone, things are not good. 

The latest struggle and the main reason why I decided to start writing, is the age old tale of trying to make a baby. The problem is that I don't ovulate or get my period.  Since I went off birth control in April 2010, I've gotten my period 3 times.  I've seen an Ob/Gyn and a Reproductive Endocrinologist and have been diagnosed with Hypogonadotrophic Hypothalamus aka Hypothalamic Amenorrhea with a possibility of PCOS.  Bottom line is, my hypothalamus is not signaling my ovaries to release FSH and LH hormones necessary to ovulate.  And thus the journey begins. 

The worst part of all of this is how secretive it all is.   I haven't even told my mother about what is going on.  Both of these issues are so taboo and even though there are tons of people out there struggling with the same things, no one talks about them.  So, I will go on smiling and "seeming normal", but underneath, I'm dealing with some pretty heavy stuff.